Monday, August 10, 2009

Apathy and Motivation?

I’m stuck. I don’t know what to write about. So many things are wrong (I think).

I just watched Julie and Julia, which I thought was fabulous. In it, I love how Julie Powell creates/finds the motivation for her blog. I also like how my friend’s blogs have clear purposes.

I think the Gemini in me is keeping me from finding something and sticking with a particular topic. I have been sort of fueling this blog with some of my interpretation of Byatt’s lamination. I sort of wanted this blog to act out some of those idea(l)(s) because I find myself adrift so much. I’m not very religious and my existentialism often gets criticized so many others for lameness that I keep it to myself.

I wanted this past summer to be about getting more professional, about working on getting published and being more academic. In the end, this was one of the laziest summers I have had, and all I feel like doing lately is crying because I miss my friends, I feel alienated from my brother, and my house is such a wreck that I have no place of solace. I got into a somewhat huge argument/fight with my brother earlier, and I am just so frustrated by everything.

And then on top of that, I just don’t know what to do in terms of my reading and writing. I want to read, but I don’t know where my books are. I start school in a week and feel no motivation to start new projects. I think my writing is suffering because I can’t conceive of what to do to sustain a coherent argument for 30 pages.

I think the two seasons of Six Feet Under that I am working my way through are making me a little paranoid, too. I need something a bit more light hearted I think. This show is just so heavy. I look forward to watching Tropic Thunder, which Fink has adamantly demanded that I watch as soon as possible. So maybe in a day or two I can finally see it.


beamish said...

hi, michael darling! tulsa misses you, but you are going to do so well back in loo-zee-anna. i understand your lack of motivation, believe me. i'm late getting chapter two done, which has caused me a lot of stress. in the end i'm realizing that deadlines are pretty much arbitrary, and it's better i do good work and be happy than focus on what time of what day of what month i'm in.

freewriting about whatever is bothering me helps me a lot and has inspired me and made me feel better about my creative abilities and my personal beliefs. no matter how lame/subjective/weird they are. i'll send you some of mine if you want to send me some of yours! just a thought...

the apartment is in chaos here. melissa is moving in today, and the house is full of boxes and disassembled furniture. a good metaphor for the end of the summer i think.

i'm also blaming the end of summer for all the pressure and anxiety that's in the air, by the way. feel free to join me in that, too!

Laminated Fragments said...

thanks for the advice. it was much needed and appreciated. i am hoping to get to yvonne's tonight to unwind and get away from the chaos of them redoing the house. i realized that most of my fight with my brother and my slight depression and apathy is coming from the fact that i have no space of my own here. at least in tulsa, i could escape the apartment or to some hidden corner of the library that no one visited. here, i am stuck on the sofa while construction goes on around me. i need to find something to just focus my energies own and so i decided to go running. it made me feel a bit better, just like painting allowed me to get angry for a bit last weekend. i wish you luck on chapter two. i know you know that material, and its good to hear you say that its best to work until you are happy with the end product. i need to convince myself that that is a healthy mindsight.

beamish said...

so did you watch tropic thunder?

Laminated Fragments said...

Ugh! Not yet. I know, I know. I totally should have, and my friend Rebecca is totally probably not going to talk to me until I get it done. I plan on watching it tomorrow night. I should be able to finally have some down time. Maybe tonight, but that would be a stretch.